Blended Families

A blended family is a family where one or more of the parents have been divorced and have kids from the previous marriage. I learned that a blended family is not ideal and divorce should not ever be the immediate answer to marital problems. There was a study of divorced couples and the results showed that 70% of couples who divorced, two years later realized they could have saved the marriage and should have. Something that is very taboo in our society is marriage counseling. Some people would rather get divorced than go talk to a therapist. I think that is ridiculous!! A quote that I really like is, "The grass is always greener on the side you water." This quote really stuck out to me because relationships really are only as good as what is put into them. I have a lot of great examples in my life of what it means to be in a happy marriage. I am very blessed to have the parents I have and I hope to have a marriage like theirs someday.

Popkin's Problem-Handling Model

When there is a problem between parents and their child/teen, a good source to use is "Popkin's Problem-Handling Model." To follow the model, the parents begin with a polite request. Then they explain how they're feeling with an "I" message. For example, "When you _____, I feel _____ because ____." If that does not work then the parents must use a firmer message. If that still doesn't work then the parents must give a logical consequence, meaning a consequence that logically fits the child's actions. An example of this is if a child keeps leaving their bike out on the lawn, the logical consequence is to take the bike away for a couple of days. That way the child knows that leaving the bike out will prevent him/her from being able to use it. Whereas, if the parent just punished the child by making him/her take out the trash, the child doesn't learn how to take care of the bike. It has to be a logical consequence. Parents must always show love for their children, even when punishing them. Discipline is a teaching moment, not a time to give negative talk to your child. Children need to have contact and feel like they belong. Parents must show respect for their children so that their children will respect them in return.

The History of Work and the Family

Before the Industrial Revolution and World War II, families all worked together to provide a living. Work and family were not separate. Moms and Dads worked together to accomplish goals. It was not uncommon for families to live upstairs and have their place of business on the first floor. When the Industrial Revolution came, fathers left to work in factories for 12 or more hours a day, while mothers stayed home with the children. Fathers became more separate from the family and World War II didn't help. Fathers were sent off to war and mothers were then depended upon to work in factories. They had to help their country and provide a living for their family. This was a huge impact on the family. Families were no longer working together towards a common goal, but became very separate in their lives. When the war was over and the men came home, women didn't want to give up their wages to let their husband be the provider. Wages then became independence and freedom. Today, the man or the woman can be the main provider, but families never did go back to working together to earn a living. We all need to keep in mind the importance of being a family unit. Even if we don't spend every second of the day together, we need to remember to make quality time for each other and have family activities together. Family is the most important thing.

Communication

Communication is fourteen percent words, thirty-five percent tone, and fifty-one percent nonverbal. This shows that most of what we say really isn't conveyed through our words but through our body language and tone of voice. When we communicate we send an idea, thought, or emotion and then the other person has to decode our message and then send their idea, thought, or emotion. If anything is misread then it can become very complicated, especially over text or e-mail. We must give the person the benefit of the doubt and assume the best (within experience). We must be patient, kind, generous, and compassionate. The best communication advice you will ever find is not from me. It is found in the Bible, in the New Testament, in Ephesians, Chapter four, verses twenty-nine through thirty-two. It reads, "(29) Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. (30) And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. (31) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: (32) And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you."

Crisis in the Family

Crisis can be defined as danger and opportunity. The ABCX Model shows how a family deals with a crisis. "A" stands for the Actual event (What happened?). "B" stands for Behavioral responses (How do they react?). "C" stands for Cognitions (How does the family define the crisis?). "X" stands for eXperience. In a crisis the family turns to resources that they have and try to figure out how they can use those resources. Resources can be things such as: people (extended family and friends), education, religion/faith, money (savings), etc. Each family member may cope with a crisis differently and you just have to make sure that one family member isn't taking on all the stress or weight. A crisis is a chance for the family to learn and grow, that is why there is opportunity. A crisis shouldn't break down a family, but should bring them closer together, despite the challenges they are facing.

Marital Intimacy

Marital intimacy is a very special thing. Exclusive sexual intimacy makes sex more emotional and brings the couple closer together. Sex in marriage is very bonding. Husband and wife should be able to self-disclose during sex in a non-critical way. Communication is very important and that is why you must be able to feel safe, loved, and comfortable with your spouse. All that being said, marital intimacy is worth the wait because the more people you have sex with, the harder and harder it becomes to attach to someone because you lose trust in people more and more. My professor said, "You can never get enough of what you don't need because what you don't need can't satisfy you." This is true for a lot of things, but especially for sex. Sex can be a very special thing as long as it is with the right person, under the right circumstances (in marriage), at the right time.

Marriage Preparation

I titled my post this week "Marriage Preparation" because a lot of people these days are not truly planning for marriage and they just jump in, not really knowing what kind of commitment it is. Marriage preparation starts all the way back in the dating phase. People usually move from dating to proposal to marriage. The way it should go is this: dating, courtship, engagement, and then marriage. Too often we see that men are not courting women anymore. They assume that because you are boyfriend and girlfriend that they don't need to ask to court you, but when they do ask it shows a lot of respect for the girl and also for her family. When it comes to proposals guys think they have to go all out, which is kind of true, but not in the general sense. A proposal should be intimate, something you two share together, and it should be done in a way that is meaningful to you both. Engagements are the perfect time for couples to really start planning for marriage and making decisions together. Make sure you talk about important and hard things with your fiancee because that is how you'll know if you guys can work together as a team. Marriage becomes much easier when you can count on your spouse and make the right decisions together.

What is Love?

This week I learned that there are four main types of love: storge, phillia, agape, and eros. Storge is a parent-child love. Phillia is a friendship love. Agape is the kind of love where you care for the well-being of others, whether you know them or not. Eros is passionate love, one you would have for a significant other. When it comes to relationships, there is a model that John Van Epp came up with to show attachment. There are five categories: knowing the person, trusting the person, relying on the person, committing to the person, and touching the person. The  beginning category should be the highest and then gradually descend through the others. It makes sense because one wouldn't trust someone before they know them, rely on them before they trust them, commit to someone they don't rely on, and touch someone they aren't committed to. People begin to have issues in their relationships when they commit too early or touch too early. It is important to go through the steps, really get to know someone, and then go from there.

Is gender a big deal?

Boys and girls each have their own gender roles. Girls tend to be more compassionate and better listeners while boys tend to be more active and rowdy. If some children don't fall under these gender roles it doesn't mean they are weird or gay. It just means that they are different. What girl wouldn't want a guy who tends to be more compassionate or a good listener? And what guy wouldn't want a girl who can play sports or act like "one of the guys?" I believe gender roles are developed a lot by example. Girls and boys have predispositions but they also learn certain characteristics from their parents. Parents don't need to freak out if their boy picks up a doll or their girl picks up a toy car. Jumping to conclusions doesn't do anything. Just be a good parent and love your children.

Culture and Class

This week I learned how class and culture affect the family unit. Class and culture shape how families live and operate together. Money can affect the closeness of family members. Not to say that rich families aren't close, but I feel like families who have more money tend to be more independent. On the other hand, families with less money are more humble and tend to rely on each other more. Culture also affects the family. Some cultures value family time and family closeness, while others value independence. I think it is very important that no matter what culture and class you belong to, that you make family a priority. I know that in my own life I have been blessed to have a close family and I would not have it ant other way.

Exchange Theory

I learned this week that there are four theories to explain why people interact the way they do. The theory that stuck out to me the most was exchange theory. This theory states that we as people weigh the pros and cons of each relationship we develop. We often ask ourselves, "What do I get out of this?" If we realize that the negative aspects outweight the rewards of the relationship, we tend to withdraw. This got me thinking that we as people are pretty selfish. The question we need to be asking is, "What can I put into the relationship to make it better?" Obviously there are some relationships that are just really unhealthy and they aren't worth saving, but what about the relationships that we just give up on because we don't have time? I think this is a great time to evaluate the relationships in my life and examine what I'm doing to make them grow and flourish. I think that is very important to do if I want to have long-lasting relationships.

Family Size Matters

This week we talked about some societal trends in the family. The one that stuck out to me most was the size of households declining. I think it is so important to have children. I grew up with four sisters in my house, I could not imagine having any other childhood experience. Yes it was absolutely crazy and insane at times but having four sisters is absolutely worth it. I love my family to death and although they drive me nuts sometimes I am very grateful to have a big family. It is so sad to see families with only one child or no children at all. Family is what life is all about. There is so much to gain from having siblings growing up. We learn social skills, problem-solving, and how to really love someone through good and bad times. I truly believe in the importance of large families and how much of a difference they can make.

My name is Amber Schultz and I'm going to be giving insight on what I'm learning this semester at BYU Idaho in my Family Relations class.